The Neverending Story That Ends Eventually
by Verbena
Summary: Wow. Okay, you know how I said that "Shake That Thang!" was the most pointless story in the history of pointless stories? Well... I think it's just been beaten.


Title: The Neverending Story That Ends Eventually  
Author: Verbena  
Disclaimer: Sue me.  
Summary: ...I'm currently questioning my sanity. Seriously. Someone help me. Please. 

--- 

Everything went awkwardly silent all of a sudden. His eyes were locked on the coffee table, his face expressionless. She knew what he was thinking about. Her eyes darted everywhere- the floor, the ceiling, the wall. But she avoided looking at him. 

"Scully..." she heard him whisper, detecting the sympathy in his voice. 

"It's okay," she whispered back, tears rushing to her eyes. 

He sighed. "It's not okay." 

More silence. Her bottom lip quivered. She didn't know what to say. She knew that he didn't, either. There was nothing _to_ say. So she cried instead. Placing her hands over her face, she let the tears come. He stared at her for a moment, then moved closer and... 

...And then Verbena realized that she really sucked at writing serious shit. So she vowed that she'd never write it again. Then she thought about a unicorn. "That would make the story better," Verbena thought. 

He stared at her for a moment, then moved closer and... then a unicorn appeared in the room out of nowhere and pooped on his head. This was funny so Scully pointed and laughed. She wasn't sad anymore, because Mulder had poop on his head and it was so hilariously funny. Then Scully decided to eat the pizza they had ordered. You probably didn't know that this was a story set in that one episode where Mulder gives her that doll that wasn't an engagement ring. I always make up little XF stories in my head when I go to sleep at night and they're usually serious. But I can never write them down because I suck at everything. But it's okay because I have my Dr. Pepper and I am certainly NOT insane. 

Did you know that Santa is a goat? Well, he WAS. See, waaaay back in the 1980's, there was this goat named Roger. One day, he was eating goat chow in the field where I died (it wasn't really the field where I died- otherwise I'd be dead and wouldn't be capable of writing stupid stories like this one. But wait, maybe I AM dead. Hm, that would explain the smell) and then a unicorn with two horns, one on his head and one on his ass appeared. That would mean that it wasn't really a unicorn because uni means one. So I'll call him the twocorn. The twocorn said to the goat, "Cheesenips is the way to go" and then turned the goat into Santa, a fat old man doomed to deliver gifts to all the children on Christmas. 

What does this have to do with the X-files, you ask? One time Mulder was investigating a case where this kid swallowed a massive amount of radioactive toothpaste, thus giving him supar powers. Oh wait, that has nothing to with Santa or goats. Sorry for misleading you. 

Dana Scully walked into Assistant Director Skinner's office. He glanced up at her and smiled. "Hi." 

"I just came here to let you know that I'm really looking forward to our date tonight," she told him, rubbing his bald head like it was another part of his body that wasn't a bald head. 

"I am, too, hotcakes," he replied. Scully gave him a naughty smile and then walked away. Little did she know, Mulder was listening through the ventilation system!!! A tear ran down his face and into his mouth. It tasted like Mcdonald's french fries. Just like Scully's tears did in my other fanfic, "I Love You, My Darling!" that many people seemed to enjoy. In fact, it's probably my most popular fanfic. I'm so wonderful at writing funny shit, everyone wants to worship me and send me roses through the mail. But I just laugh and say, "Oh, no, no, save your worship and roses for Gillian Anderson. She is one bitch-ass actress." Because I am so modest. But sometimes all that praise goes to my head, and my head expands so large that it almost explodes. I'd like to thank the goats that that's never happened, because if your head explodes, it's probably fatal. 

But back to the story that rocks so much and that is so suspenseful you could just squeal like the little school-girl you probably are. Don't try to hide it, Dan... nudge nudge, wink wink. Oh yeah, the story. Mulder returned to his apartment, but not before going to Blockbuster and renting Sugar and Spice, Bring It On, and Bring On the Sugar and Spice. Very cool story, huh? 

Then, deep in the pacific ocean, the CSM was looking for a gateway to another dimension. Oh wait. Wrong fanfic. Sorry. 

One time, Mulder and Scully went to Taco Bell. I am laughing. Why? Because it is a very memorable story that sticks in your head for a very long amount of time and it's so nice every time you think back upon it and remember how totally memorable and funny and cute it was, because it WAS very memorable and funny and cute and it was told to you only once, but it sticks in your head because it was a very memorable, funny, and cute story. Ahhh... memories. How I cherish them. 

What was the story, you ask? Well, Mulder got a chalupa and Scully got a soft taco. They sat down at a table and ate the yummy, delicious food. Then they left. 

It wasn't really all that memorable, now that I think back upon it. 

And now it's time for Bill Nye's scientific DID YOU KNOW...? smidget of information. Santa used to be a goat. You would have known that had you been paying attention earlier on in the story, buster, but nooooooo! You were too busy gazing at Ferrah Fawcet's nipples on the poster on your wall, you pervert. 

One time, Mulder and Scully went in a time machine to 2015. They met this kid named Shinji and this girl named Asuka. Scully and Asuka are both bitches, so they got along really well. Mulder and Shinji are both goats, so they got along really well, also. And then there was this girl named Rei, and man, she was hot. She was also a potato. A potato that lives and breathes just like you and I. In fact, Rei is Emily's potato. You know, the potato that Emily drew. Mulder saw that she was drawing a potato and made a Mr. Potato Head face, and Emily didn't think it was all that funny, but she smiled anyway because she didn't want to hurt the feelings of the crazy man. 

And then there was this really cute girl named Meredith. Her hair was awesome. There was also this really cute guy named Trent. The two had their ups and downs, of course, but in the end they made-out in front of the fire and then did the nasty. It was a very cool story. 

One time, Scully got an e-mail from the nice people at Talk Soup. They asked her if she'd like to be a guest host. She replied with a firm NO, of course. Because the letter E as in E! is in the word Donnie. That made her a little bit scared. But then she realized that Donnie was in the big bathtub in the sky, and he wasn't comin' down any time soon. So she decided to host! 

"Welcome to Talk Soup! My name is Dana Katherine Scully. The real one." 

Tom laughed even though he didn't get it. "I don't get it." 

"Um... The Lazarus Bowl. I was in that movie, but it wasn't me. It was Tea Leoni. She really needs to divorce her husband. He is such a prick." 

The crew laughed. "I totally agree!" said Tom. 

"Ahem. John Doggett is a normal, every-day Joe Shmoe just like you and me. Only... there's one small difference. He was born without lips. In this Daily Show highlight, correspondant Steven Colbert investigates." 

*clip begins* 

STEVEN: John, how have you dealt with your lack of lips? 

JOHN: Well, actually, Steven... I *do* have lips. They're just not very visible. 

STEVEN: I see. So what is kissing like with your lack of lips? 

JOHN: Uh... well, first of all, I just said that I *do* have lips. Second of all, um... I really haven't had a chance to find out what kissing is like at all. Everyone on this damn show has been kissed but ME! Ugh! Why can't I get any action?? 

STEVEN: John, you know who you remind me of? 

JOHN: Who? 

STEVEN: An old man. And old, withered man. An old, withered man that can't eat anything because he has no teeth and no lips and nothing to live for. 

JOHN: Geez, Steven, that's not very nice... 

STEVEN: Are you starving, John? 

JOHN: What? No! I have teeth! And I have lips! 

STEVEN: I feel so sorry for you, John... I can't imagine what it's like to live off of apple sauce that must be forced down your thoat every day and- 

JOHN: ENOUGH!!!! Just... just leave me alone!!!! (sobs) 

STEVEN: (looks at the camera) John's touching ordeal has inspired me to create a charity. CFPWNLANTAWHNTLF. Charity For People With No Lips And No Teeth And Who Have Nothing To Live For. Please, please donate to this cause. It will help lipless people around the world. You can make a difference. 

*end of clip* 

Scully blinked. "Wow... that was really touching. But... we here at Talk Soup have really been wondering about the kissing thing. So, we decided... Mr. Doggett? Come out here, please." 

Doggett walked up to Scully and the purple chair. "Um... hi, Agent Scully." 

"I don't know you. Now, let the games begin!" 

Doggett puckered up. "I'm ready, Agent Scully." 

"Heheh, don't bet on it." 

"Huh?" 

Before he could say more, the lips of Tom the hunkmeister were firmly placed on the lipless mouth of a flustered John. He pushed Tom away and then gagged and coughed and tried to wipe away the icky cooties. "Agent Scully! I thought it was YOU that was gonna kiss me!" 

Scully laughed. "Heh, sorry Agent Doggett. Skinner's the only man for me. And Mulder. And Krycek. And just about every other male character that's ever appeared in the series. Atleast according to fanfic writers." 

Doggett, flustered and angry, left the Talk Soup building and as he was walking across the street, was crushed by Santa the Goat's sleigh. Scully went out to help the poor pancake man, but as she walked outside an atomic bomb was dropped, killing everything within a ten-mile radius. 

Meanwhile, Mulder was in Sleepy Hollow guarding the town from the Headless Pumpkin man. I know what you're thinking. He gets his head cut off, right? Nope. Actually he got his foot stuck in a hole and he struggled and struggled to get it out, and when he finally did, he fell forwards and hit his head on a block of wood. 

Skinner came to help him, but was decapitated by the Headless Pumpkin Man. 

Then the world blew up and the only survivors were the astronauts living on Mars. But they got turned to cheese when the moon shot a cheese laser at them. Then the teletubbies ate them. 

Then the universe blew up. 

The end. 


End file.
